Year ONE – Reflection: Blog Anniversary

It’s true when they say time flies when you are truly enjoying every moment. As I sit here on my patio recapping the last year of blogging, I traveled through such strong emotions and cried many tears. Looking back to where I was when I first hit PUBLISH on my first post to where I am now. I can truly say life is good and happier than I have ever been. Although life has it’s ups and downs, but the journey is beautiful. Life isn’t always Instagram-worthy and I wouldn’t want to remember it that way.

Writing has been the thing that has kept me pushing me forward. I remember back in high school I wrote paragraphs blog posts to NOBODY and I loved it. It was my Online diary, a place to dump my thoughts. When I started SamLately, I wanted to document my life through storytelling coming from a place of reflecting, truth, and vulnerability. Y’all have accepted me and showed love and support. I appreciate that more than you could ever imagine. This is therapeutic for me. Knowing that somebody, somewhere, is reading makes me feels happy. This journey has allowed me to share my stories that connect with other women and more importantly I have grown as a writer.

“You always seem to happy and full of joy” is one the most consistent compliment I get. But most don’t know that behind that sense of happiness also lies deep pain and sadness. 

2018 was a tough year.

I experienced the worst pain of my life. I lost my best friend, a sister, my rider. She had just turned 24. Matter of fact, I drove her to the hospital on her birthday, but it never crossed my mind that she wouldn’t return home with me, that it would be our last time together. That afternoon of February 1st, when I hugged her and said the goodbye I never thought I would be saying so soon, my life changed forever.

We were supposed to grow old together.

There was nothing I could do to bring her back.

But I knew from that point on, I wanted to live full, live a life that isn’t in vain.

It happened one afternoon sitting alone on the couch in the apartment I shared with Nick back in Tampa. I just started crying, literally balling like a baby. I kept thinking about how much I miss talking and hugging Cass. She was the person I went to for everything. There I realized, I couldn’t sit in my sorrow forever, I remember thinking we are all living on borrowed TIME and I was still here for a reason.

That moment was a new beginning! I redefined my life vision and purpose.

A few weeks later with no set plan, I packed my car and moved across the country. It just recently dawned on me that, living up North was, in fact, a dream.

They say if you can change one person’s life for the better, you’ve lived a fulfilled life. Cass changed my life!

To be quite honest, it hasn’t been easy, and I’m sure it will never be, every single day was extremely difficult, it still is. How was I  supposed to live a life that didn’t include her in it? I cringed at the thought of new experiences because it was too painful to not be able to tell her about them. I knew I should be happy that she was no longer suffering, but I  wanted her to still be alive for me. How selfish of me? I had my time with her and those memories are what make life worthwhile.

We took our last trip together to Vegas. the laughs, memories shared on that trip will forever live in my heart.

Even during her darkest times, she was still full of life. She was excited about her dreams and goals that she had planned to do, never came due to such an unexpected sickness.

We thought we had more TIME…

My greatest learning through this journey has been the importance of living in the NOW. I  always tell people I’ve done the things I’ve done because I  learn to live in the NOW. Because Life changes an instant. Learning to truly appreciate the moments and time that you have, because NOW is the only moment you have control of.

 Understand that time has a beginning and an end.

Nothing is PERMANENT. God said when I gave you birth I hired you to do something and you have a certain time to do it and you cannot exceed that. Cass touched many lives during her 24 years on earth.

I  have gained a higher self of self-control, self-awareness, and self-sufficiency. All the things I once loved so dearly as a kid/teen, they are returning to my life in unexpected ways. 

Grief is a journey and it is one that I’m still on. Eventually, you accept your new normal and learn to live with it. There’s not a day that goes by that I  don’t miss Cass with all my heart and wish she was here. 

I  live my life with hers as inspiration to honor her memory. 

If you made it to the end, thank you for reading my thoughts. Let’s toast and cheer to year 1 and many more milestones to come. Thank you for sharing this journey with me!

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I  hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I  hope you have the strength to start over “. – F. Scott FitzGerald